Lead Pearl - Ego Existence
Insight expands now to synthesize the
understanding of
being trapped in my
personal life, and the
recognition of the
presence of
inertia responsible for the unchangeability of the totality of the
personality. This lead pearl is the determination/will of the personal
existence of the
ego, which has been
unconscious till now, although implicit in all ego manifestations. As long as I am under the sway of this will of inertia, I will be enmeshed in my personal life whenever I am involved with any
experience. In other words, the personal life continues to be the life of the totality of the personality, the life of the separate person of ego. This unconscious
identification will always subsume new experiences and insights into its own personal life, turning them into
possessions of the person of ego. My sense of myself has been trapped in my personal life because I have always had, unrecognized, the will to exist as the familiar individual.
The deepening insight into my personal experience and the personal inertia that underlies it, allows the leaden heaviness to gradually expand and dominate the
consciousness. I am now this faceted, hard and spherical leaden density, immovable and unchangeable. This is curious. There is the
feeling of expansion that accompanies the
flow of insights, but there is also the thickening of consciousness as it becomes dominated by the leaden heaviness. However, there is no
resistance to the leaden, thick consciousness which functions as the
ground of the ego experience of self, and no
value judgment about it. There is merely the
openness to
what is arising, and the
curiosity that manifests as an open and open-ended
inquiry into it. This openness and curiosity creates the
space necessary for the arising and operation of the
nous.